School Days
by ali10
Summary: What do you get when a donut-crazed gunman is running a school? Add in a 60billion double dollar bounty, a lethargic bounty hunter and some egotistical swordsmen and you get nothing but sheer hilarity, but don't take my word for it, go ahead and read it.
1. Donut Debacle

Disclaimer: 1) I have no money.  2) There are no copyrights in my name.  Conclusion:  I do not own trigun or cowboy bebop or any other anime and you shouldn't try to sue me…. any questions?

A/N hi apparently there are too many high school fics running around here (I've only actually seen two and they were both excellent by the way) but like I said I like them so I figure there are others out there who must also enjoy them.  And this should be a new take on the whole thing anyway (I  haven't heard of another one quite like it anyhow…). This is supposed to be fluffy and dumb.  Just good for a laugh…. right, here goes.

            Empty halls.  Sheets of paper are lying everywhere.  Suddenly a loud sound shatters the silence.  Children flood the halls.  The papers swirl around in the wind of their passing.  Over it all stand two men.  One in red the other in black.  The happy chaos goes on for a few moments before another bell signals the start of another class.  The principal and vice principal make the rounds.  Room 1 is full its two teachers presiding over their English class.  The short one seems to be yelling something while the tall one is sitting at her desk and eating pudding. 

            Room 2 reveals Mr. Spiegel and Mr. Black's third period all-boys home economics class gawking at their teachers who appear to be arguing about something.  Their debate is so heated that a few words drift into the hall.

            "You can't call it pork stir-fry if there isn't any pork in it!" Mr. Spiegel raved.

            "I wouldn't have to if you had written the budget proposal properly!" Mr. Black shot back.

            The principal and vice principal look at each other and burst out laughing at the argument before continuing down the hall.

            "soooooo, lalallalalalalalalallalaaa…" the vice strikes up a song as they approach room 3 where Ms.  Valentine is teaching chorus.

            The principal covers his ears and dances around whining, "Would you stop trying to sing, you're hurting my ears… you're going to drive me back to smoking and then what kind of example will I be for the kids?"

            The other man glowers, "I happen to like that song."

            "You just don't do that to a song you like!" the principal shot back.  The two glared for a moment before checking in on the music teacher.  Unfortunately there was a problem.

            "Excuse me Ms. Valentine, but I believe that outfit is a dress code violation under at least three citations…" the vice principal stuck his head into the room to announce.

            "What?" Valentine screamed.

            "Not that that's a problem Ms. Valentine," the principal added in the face of her murderous expression.  Both administrators were now backpedaling trying not to cause the unstable music teacher to go ballistic.  Valentine let out a stream of threats and gestured wildly for a few moments and then calmly returned to her class.

            The administrators decided to leave the rest of the rounds for another time seeing as how neither looked forward to checking on the perpetually arguing gym teachers.

            Vice principle Vash the Stampeded decided that he had best check up on the kitchen workers and maybe swipe some of the morning donuts, to make sure the students were being provided with a good breakfast of course.  Principle Nicholas D. Wolfwood just shook his head at the wayward vice and went back to his office.  He waved to his secretary, Julia, on the way by and then settled into his comfortable chair.  After a moment of inactivity he heard a commotion in the hall.

            Groaning he got up to see what was the matter.  His face fell when he saw his vice principle running down the hall with an armload of donuts flying everywhere and the entire kitchen staff hot on his heals.

            "They don't meet standards for student consumption!" Vash whined as he ran, "I'm doing you a favor by eating them!"

            "Get back here you spikey-haired thief!" the kitchen ladies yelled.

            "Stop running in the halls needle-noggin'," Wolfwood hollered, "Didn't you read the handbook?  There is to be absolutely no running in the halls … what kind of role-model are you being for the kids?"

            "Sorry," Vash said and he ducked into the boy's bathroom, "Ha!" he yelled triumphantly, "you ladies can't get me in here!"

            The lunch ladies gave up in frustration having decided that the donuts were not worth the effort of catching the donut-crazed vice principle. Wolfwood went back to his comfortable chair and sat while Vash chomped noisily on his donuts.

            Meanwhile in the gym the four gym teachers had gotten their classes together for an all out tournament to see who the best teacher was.  The teachers had decided to only fair way to decide was an all out game of rule-free ultimate Frisbee.  The five students from each class wore their teacher's colors and the four teachers were screaming out orders for their students.

            Yahiko was yelling for his yellow-clad students to be stronger and fight for the Frisbee.  Sanosuke's red team was being commanded to go straight for the goal.  Kaoru shouted for her green team not to hurt anyone and Kenshin was shouting out encouragements to his pink team.

            "You're doing fine, that you are!" Kenshin yelled as one of his students was flung across the gym by one of the yellow students who then failed to catch the Frisbee.

            "What were you thinking Lina?  You had that!  How could you miss it?" Yahiko screeched.

            "Goes to show you that violence never helped anyone!" Kaoru crowed and pulled a face at the Yahiko who then stuck his tongue out at her.

            "You're only saying that because your team got the Frisbee!" Yahiko growled.

            "What?  Am not!" Soon the game degenerated into a yelling match between Kaoru and Yahiko and the two were chasing each other around like lunatics.  Sano watched impassively.

            "Free donuts for everybody!" a loud cheerful voice crowed causing everyone to look toward the door.  There stood the vice principal, his red coat stuffed with donuts in every pocket.

            "Alright, donuts!" the students shrieked as they mobbed the vice principle.

            This left the four teachers free to harass each other about the outcome of their tournament.  Finally it was decided that there was nothing for it but to have a rematch.

            "And this time my team will easily triumph!" Yahiko boasted.

            "Yeah right!" Kaoru snorted.

            "What do you know?  You're just an ugly girl!"

            "Why you…"

            "Ugly girl!" Yahiko taunted.

            "I'll get you!" Kaoru snapped and the two were off trying to kill each other again.  Kenshin and Sano had a good laugh about that.

            Vash soon ran out of donuts and the kids convinced him to play dodgeball with them so soon the twenty-odd students were pummeling their vice principal with balls while their teachers argued.  The class abruptly ended though and the children had to rush to change out of their gym clothes.

            "How are things in the gym?" Vash asked conversationally.  The four teachers tittered nervously and their rubbed their heads sheepishly.

            "Well, you see…" Sano started.

            "Ummmm…" Yahiko and Kaoru added.

            "Things are fine, that they are!" Kenshin concluded happily.

            "Great!" Vash said approvingly and then he turned to leave.  The four teachers exchanged relieved looks.

            "Well, I better go check on the laundry…" Kenshin said quickly and he left.

A/N So, what'd ya think?  Good, bad, ugly?  Whatever you thought it can't improve without your input so drop a review eh?  It won't hurt at all and it's free so go ahead and click the blue button… you know you want to!


	2. Visiting the Superintendant

Disclaimer: 1) I have no money.  2) There are no copyrights in my name.  Conclusion:  I do not own trigun or cowboy bebop or any other anime and you shouldn't try to sue me…. any questions?

A/N Many thanks to browneyes for the review.  And since that brings me up to my total of one interested reader I can commence upon chapter two…. And then we'll see.

            Lunch was over and Principle Wolfwood was giving the Vice principal a sever dressing down for once again disrupting the kitchen staff and then interrupting the gum teachers.         

            "If word gets out that you favored those students… giving them donuts in the middle of the day!  What were you thinking?  Not to mention all the policies you violated."

            "Don't worry about it," Vash said with not the least bit of concern.

            "I'm afraid I am going to have to call in the superintendent."

            "No, not him!"

            "Yes, the dread superintendent Dr. Bluesummers…"

            "No!  Not that!  Anything but that!"

            "In fact I already called him and he will be expecting you in his office shortly."

            "But he's scary!" Vash whined.

            "You have left me with no choice, you think I want to lose my job over these fiascos of yours?"

            "Show a little mercy, what kind of a churchman are you anyway?" Vash complained.

            "Look, just go see Legato, I had Julia pick up a peace offering for you.  Just give him the nice frozen cheesecake and he'll be too preoccupied to even notice you."

            "A cheesecake?  You call that a peace offering?  I killed the guy remember?"

            "Now Vash, I think you are overreacting.  How many times do I have to explain that he wasn't really dead, just almost dead?  Besides you don't really need your temporal lobe, it's only the part that regulates emotions and keeps people from going on murderous rampages, his was malfunctioning anyway!"

            "Why don't you go see him then?"

            "Good heavens no, now get going or you will be late for your appointment."

            Vash shot a nasty look at Wolfwood and then stormed out forgetting the cheesecake.  So a second later he stormed back in, snatched the frozen desert from Wolfwood's impassive secretary and stalked off all in a sulk to visit the dreaded Mr. Bluesummers.

            Wolfwood, seeing as he now had some free time decided to go and check up on a certain english teacher.

            Luckily it was her planning period so Mrs. Millie Thompson-Wolfwood was sitting at her desk eating a pudding.

            "Hello honey!" Wolfwood said loudly.

            "Oh, hi Mr. Priest!"

            "Ummm, Millie first of all I'm your husband so you don't have to call me Mr. and second of all I'm a principal now, not a priest."

            "I know that Mr. Priest.  What are you doing here though?"      

            "I just wanted to see you."       

            "Why don't you get out of here Wolfwood, hasn't superintendent Bluesummers warned you about visiting on school hours?" Mrs. Stryfe broke in rudely.  She was typing away busily on a typewriter.  Wolfwood craned his neck to see that her typewriter was equipped with red ink and she had somehow figured out a way to cram corrections and into the margins of her student's papers.  Wolfwood winced inwardly at the idea of a teacher being able to fit so much neatly written criticism into one paper.

            "And stop reading over my shoulder, that's got to be a breach of student confidentiality or something."

            "Sorry," Wolfwood said under his breath.  He left the two English teachers with a friendly wave at his wife, who was still obliviously eating pudding, "Bye Big-girl," he said as he left.

            "Bye Honey," Millie called after him.

            Wolf wood smiled at that.  His smile stayed on his face for approximately five seconds.  Out in the hall stood one of the home economics teachers menacing a small brown and white welsh corgi.  It's paws were mud caked and a bit of some kind plant hung from its mouth.

            "How dare you try to eat my bonsai trees?  You ungrateful little wretch!  No one touches my bonsai plants and lives…" Mr Black raved at the dog and most of the class was standing in the doorway watching while the second teacher, Mr. Spiegal, inspected the contents of the fridge.

            "Hey, Jet, isn't there any meat in here?  I mean is it so much for a guy to ask?  The principal is standing right behind you by the way.  How could you deprive us all of pork in our pork fried rice?  Grudges over food aren't pretty you know."

            Jet, upon hearing that his superior was behind him adopted a much abashed pose with a hand behind his head and a nervous laugh, "I mean, naughty doggy, you should stay out of my plants…"

            "Cursing in front of the students are we Mr. Black?"

            "Sorry Mr. Wolfwood.  It won't happen again I am sure."

            "See that it doesn't, and see that you get your dog cleaned up and out of the school building."

            "The dog won't be a problem," Black picked it up and retreated into his classroom.  Wolfwood stood impassively in the hall and listened to the resolution to the whole problem.

            "Well Spike, after this stunt you should have about, oh say, 14 pounds of dog meat to work with."

            "Ed would kill you for eating that dog, and like I said grudges over food are messy."

            "Well, I know that there is something more to this school Spike."

            "You keep saying that but I haven't seen anything that even resembles a bounty, let alone a good one."

            "Well, in the meantime it keeps us fed."

            "And Faye has a new outfit every day."

            "Without running us into debt at least."

            "Yes, I only wish you had written the budget proposal properly."

            "I don't have time for your whining Spike.  Thanks to this mutt my poor bonsais are dying."

            "What about us?" one of the boys in the class asked.

            "Ummm… cook some tofu or something, there should be a recipe around here somewhere…"

            Wolfwood shook his head at the lazy teachers and continued down the hall.  He didn't really have much of a plan but interesting things always seemed to happen around here.

            Meanwhile Vash was waiting in Legato's waiting room.

            "Next," Legato called after an interminable wait.  Vash eyed the now soggy frozen cheesecake box nervously.  Something about the term frozen mad him doubt that leaving the cake out in the open for 45 minutes was good for it.

            "Ummm, here you go Mr. Bluesummers…" Vash said as he handed over the desert.

            "Thanks," Legato responded snatching it and opening it, "This is good!"  he exclaimed through a full mouth as he inhaled the cake, "Say, don't I remember you from somewhere?"

            "Ummmm…"

            "Yeah, you're the guy who killed me!  I'm right, right?  Do I get a prize now?"

            "No.  You must have me confused with someone else, I'm a pacifist.  And I am the vice principal and I'm in trouble about some donuts remember?"           

            "Oh yes, I remember now… you're a jainist right?  You don't even believe in stepping on grass because it's a living thing right?  Oh that sounds exciting… hey I know what would be funny… I could make you run around the football field and sing songs about death, destruction and mayhem."  

            "Wait… you mean that green springy stuff is alive?  And it kills it to walk on it?  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  I'm a murderer and I didn't even know it!  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what would Rem say?  I am a plant-killer…"

            "Would you stop that?  This display must stop, and you are getting tears everywhere… you look like a big red waterfall… gahhhh stop crying you big baby!  That's it… I am making you into the new cheer-leading coach.  Your team will be at the big game tomorrow night and they will do this cheer… on the grass!" Legato scribbled out a cheer and Vash stopped crying took the paper and left.

            "I'm a murderer…" he kept muttering to himself as he walked.  Every few steps he twitched crazily, "A murderer…"

            Back in his office Wolfwood was honing his basketball skills by throwing copies of last year's graduating class's permanent records at the trash can.  He had just crumpled up a particularly large one when his computer started beeping at him.  He scrambled out of his sloppy slouch and lunged for the computer.  A message popped up in the corner.

            'hello wolf-wolf, this is ed-ed.'

            'Ed?  Where are you.  The school computers don't allow instant messages.'

            'Ed-ed knows that.  But ed-ed is bored.'

            'Bored?  Ed you are supposed to be teaching a class right now!'

            'Yes, Ed-ed taught them how to hack into networks, they are practicing changing their grades.'

            'ED!  You can't teach them that kind of thing!'

            'But I did… isn't that good?'

            'No!  Ed, get Mr. Black to supervise your class and report to Dr. Bluesummer's for disciplinary action!  Immediately.

            Radical Edward sat in Legato's waiting room interminably.

            Finally the vice principal emerged muttering something about murder.  Ed shook her head and peered into the dark office of the superintendent.

            "Next!" Legato called.  Ed walked in.  Traces of cheesecake littered his desk, "What are you here for?"

            "Ed-ed taught the kiddies to hack into the school network and change their gradies, that's what Ed-ed did."

            "I see.  Principal Wolfwood was mad about this?"

            "Yes, Wolf-wolf said it violated school policy."

            "Alright, then you leave me no choice but to make you join the cheerleading squad.  Vice principal Vash is the new coach and you will be practicing with him tonight for the big game tomorrow."

            "Alright," Ed agreed amiably and left the office feet slapping the ground happily.  She returned to her class and decided to change the security codes on the grading system so that her students would no longer be able to hack into it.  Soon everything was back to the way it would have been had she not taught them to hack in.

            'I fixed the grade Wolf-wolf,' she instant messaged that principal.

            'good, but stop with the instant msging.'

            'okay Wolf-wolf.'

            'and don't call me that!'

            Ed didn't respond to that.

A/N okay then… please review and tell me what ya think.  More to come if ya like it…


	3. Trouble

Disclaimer:  Still don't own anything, still don't sue me…

A/N Alright, three days of school left and I have a study hall in English so here's the new chappy… Melawen Greenleaf thanks for the review, a friend helped to develop the idea… we think the two series would fit together perfectly…Magnet Rose thanks, I'll try to read some of your stuff when I get a bit of time (should be soonish with summer around the corner) Lil Kayke, tell me which of yer stories has the least (as in not even implied) shounen ai and I'll see about reading it… thanks fer the review…chewie-2006 thankees, there are big plans for the cheerleaders which will be revealed in time… oh yes… and now here for the chapter.

It was the last period of the day.  The bell would ring one more time and then the children would be going home and there would be no more problems for the day.  Wolfwood was hiding out in his office hoping that nothing bad would happen, or that if it did that Vash would have to deal with it.

            The phone rang out in the secretary's office.  It was followed a few seconds later by the secretary's voice, "Ms. Valentine is having a problem with one of her student's Mr. Wolfwood."

            "ummmmmm… Can't she deal with it?"

            There was a momentary pause and then some screaming coming through the phone, "Umm, She says no," Julia added helpfully.

            "Can we send Vash to deal with it?"

            "He's locked in his office, curled up in a fetal position crying… besides he has to be intact if he is going to coach the cheerleading team at tomorrow's big game."

            "Oh, well, can you go?"

            "No."

            "Alright, tell her I'll be right there."

            Wolfwood got up and slowly proceeded to the auditorium where Faye was teaching her class.  He paused a moment in front of the doors to steel himself for the chaos within before opening the door.  And was promptly struck down when a charging stampede of children ran through it.  The principal looked up from the flat of his back with a dazed expression to see the entire class of about 15 students charging off down the corridor and their teacher chasing after them yelling threats.

            Somehow he staggered to his feet, realized that they were running in the halls which was against school policy, and took off after them screaming, "Hey! Stop running!  This is a school…there is no running allowed in school corridors.  Running is prohibited…"

            The kids rounded a corner with Faye in hot pursuit and Wolfwood not far behind her.  They all came careening to a halt as the foremost students ran directly into the superintendent who happened to be carrying a very large dish of ice cream.  As the first kids tumbled into a heap Faye and Wolfwood slammed into it and the hall was momentarily filled with a tangled mass of students, faculty and administrators.  All of whom where covered in ice cream.    

            The roiling mass soon separated out into fifteen abashed looking students, a fuming teacher, a dazed and horrified principal and a sputtering and enraged superintendent.

            "Th-that. W-was.  My.  ICE CREAM!!!" he screeched in a clipped and horrifying voice.  The seventeen culprits trembled, and tried to shuffle out of the ferocious administrator's path.  "You shall all face the most horrific punishment I can conjure!" his face scrunched up for a moment and Wolfwood feared that he might have regained, or at least remembered having his telepathic abilities, but finally he simply started laughing maniacally, "hahahahhaha!  You shall all join the cheerleading squad!!!" he declared happily.  He then turned to go and the seventeen offenders were frozen in terror.  Legato turned back around and added, "Oh, and you, Ms. Valentine, get me some more ice cream!" he demanded and then disappeared into his office humming softly.

A/N  sorry this is rather shortish will be picking up right were I left off later, but this is being written in a study hall and the bell just rang to here it is!!!! Please review more

To come!        


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